May 5th, 2008
So basically, this entire semester has been a funny place. I’ve met funny people, had some funny relationships, experienced funny emotions, and made some funny mistakes. The word “funny” in this context isn’t the laughing out loud sort, it is borderline awkward, a tad bit uncomfortable, and all around just doesn’t sit still. I remember the growing pains of yesteryear. I grew FOUR inches in one year; it became a daily ritual for my parents to literally pull my arms and legs away from my body to give the compounding a rest. Even though I have popped up an inch since starting college (I’ll gladly take one inch in four years instead of four inches in one!) the physical growing pains have yielded to the mental/emotional/psychological ones.
I think they call this “maturing.”
Perhaps I am beginning to sound like a broken record, but this restlessness just doesn’t want to subside. Doing my best to put on this emotion (or whatever you call it) in order to experience it fully and learn from it, I am having a hard time identifying it’s objective.
Okay, reading what I wrote, perhaps I’m being too elusive. Let me try to paint a picture.
There are things that I have come to know about myself to be true; I’m goal oriented, creative, adventurous, energetic, independent and I love people. As I grow older, these facets begin to flesh out; I thrive when completing a challenge, thinking/acting/moving in unconventional ways, crossing into the unknown, have an intense fear of commitment and that people are my greatest asset.
But coming to these realizations do not reach any conclusions; they only seem to complicate things more and present more questions.
For instance, I have what some have described as a “shield” that keeps men from getting too close to me, in the romantic, love-like sense. Growing up as “one of the boys” I have always been very close to males, and easily made friends with them, even when we had cooties. (Don’t worry, I had my shot.)
Over the past year, this “force field” has been brought to my attention. I never noticed it in myself before, and earlier just dismissed it as a by-product of my independent nature and innate ability to read through guy’s lines. I still think that has a lot to do with it, but the more that I have learned about life, the more I start to wonder about what I’m missing.
A dear friend shared with my recently about their breakup with their long-term, serious partner. Things have been over for a while, but this was their first love. And now, their ex has started dating someone else. I became intrigued, for I had realized the most I could do was sympathize. I asked them to describe the feeling more. While listening, it became clear that this “shield” has acted as a barrier between me and the men that I actually see myself falling for. Whether that be through geographic distance, quickly classifying them as a friend, or by pushing away whenever I feel like they are getting to close, I’ve guarded myself from ever getting hurt.
But don’t they say that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?
Now, I take all this with a grain of salt; I am young, ambitious and am in no state of mind or life to even consider a serious relationship, but I just wonder if I will EVER be ready. Will I become so good at pushing away that I’ll find myself all alone? At the ripe old age of twenty (soon to be twenty one…) this is not a legitimate fear, but more of an ideological pondering.
I guess I will just have to keep tugging on my bones.